I will be 41 in October, and my 23rd wedding aniversery is in November. No kids, just a cat. I am in menapause due to a radical hysterectomy in January 2001. I am on the patch for it, when i remember, and it does well. I am, and have been, takeing Zoloft for at least 10 years now. I am a recovering prescription drug addict. I had an accidental overdose in July 1991 and was hospitallized for 20 days.
In june of 2000 hubby and i decided we would see other people thinking that monogamy was not for us. Yes, after 20 years of marriage we decided to be swingers. Let me just say right here and now, i do not envey single people, it is a pain in the ass trying to find someone you click with.
Let me also say, chooseing to see and be intimate with, other people was a mistake that is all on me. We got into D/s for awhile. I fell in love with it but hubby was not so into it. He was looking for sex, I was looking for control. I am a controlling person to an extent, i need to be in control of something at almost all times. When things are beyond my control I get edgy and try to find something I can controll, usually i go to the old route of not eating, At least I am in control of that, its the one thing i can easily controll.
When I was 8 my brother (4years older) started haveing sex with me. I remember thinking at the time that it was fine, that that was how people showed each other they loved them. And i did love my brother, just not like that. It went on until my period started just before i turned 11. I vividly remember telling him we could not have sex anymore cause i could now get pregnant. Yes, they had sexual education in grade school back in the 70s. By the time I was 12 i wanted to Be with boys. My first non brother sexual experience was when I was 12 in a storage unit in the basement of an apartment building, i was even on my period at the time. It was never about the sex, it was about the attention, and the fact that i thought in my warped young mind that if a guy slept with you he liked you and there fore would want to be with you forever. How niave i was.
The next chapter in my life story is when i became a whoe for money. I met a guy, was told he was 17, i was 15, later i found out he was my age. Anyway, we went out, boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months. of course we had sex, dah. He had a job and one day he called to tell me he had hurt his leg and was in a soft cast and couldnt work for a while and would i please blow a few of his friends so he could make a few bucks. he did the whole thing about how if i loved him i would do it for him and that he couldnt show me a good time if he had no money.it was only for a little while he said. it lasted 6 months before i got sick of it and wanted out. by then, actually by the first month of doing this my Boyfriend stopped haveing sex with me and started to turn on me.
I met my now husband about 3 months into the prostiution, at that point i was leading a double life. my friends knew nothing. It was because of my husband that i finaly left the asshole who made me do things i never would have done on my own. My sweet sixteen birthday was my first working nite, 5 guys in a hotel room with me and i had to service all of them before i could leave. Some sweet sixteen huh? I was blowing 80 year old men in a bathroom in a bar, and haveing sex with theese old men in their beds. When i met my now husband, i had been with the asshole for 3 months and really wanted to be with my now hubby but because of what i was doing at the time i had decided that this one (my husband) was going to be different. I made him wait 3 months before i would have sex with him. I am so glad i wated, look where it got me.(smileing inside).
My poor husband has had to suffer the consequences of my past actions for the last 20 years.
I am terrified of intimacy, I was not taught intimacy, all i knew was to have sex. The first 10 years of our relationship i thought it was my duty to have sex with my husband. I never gave myself a chance to enjoy it . To this day I crave intimacy but am only capable of sex. one of the reasons i wanted to be with other people was to see if it was hubby that was makeing me not be intimate or was it me. All my life i have felt like something was missing, and i thought i could find that something outside of myself. Its not true, its in here, in me. It weights heavy on me that i have intamacy issues. I have no clue what it is i should do about it.
Is it no wonder i suffer from depression and that i sufferd ballemia, a drug problem and low self esteem .
I am worthy of nothing from others. I have moments where i want to crawl into a hole because it just all crashes down on me at once sometimes. Did i also mention that until i had the hysterectomy i had suffered painfull sex? turned out that i had a severly inflamed uterus so it had to go. All that time i was haveing pain during sex i thought it was my punishment for all i went through concerning my bad choices in life.
I have more good days then bad but when the bad days come it is very bad.
There are so many more details to this story of my life but i will not bore the masses with my drivvel.